Get me out of here..

Friends only.

Generally, I like new friends, but no:
+Bullshit. Seriously. I'm not interested in whiny drama
+Arrogance. this really pisses me off
+Prejudice. Take your homophobia, racism, anti-Semitism, etc., somewhere else.
+Pedophiles. Goes without saying, but if you're 30+ I probably won't add you.

That's about it :]

Hold your breath and count to ten, 
And fall apart and start again

The people who i suppose i should call my friends would probably be surprised to know that i don't like food generally because it makes me confused. (as in, i can eat that. no i can't. i need to eat something. no i don't. muesli is okay wait it's actually granola that's bad. i like yoghurt but dairy is a no. steak is omg no but i'm probably heading for anemia. damnitall)
also, bob marley irritates me, as does pink floyd. thanks to certain people going ON and ON and fiucking ON about them.

people talk about antidepressants being terrible because they can turn you into a numb zombie. i think that sounds great. no more worries, panic, or pesky little emotions.

BOREDOM SETS IN AGAIN, WHOO

General

* I am 5'4 or shorter.
* I think I'm ugly.
* I have many scars.
* I tan easily.
* I wish my hair was a different color.
* I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
* I have a tattoo.
* I am self-conscious about my appearance.
* I have/had braces.
* I wear glasses.
* I'd get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free.
* I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
* I have had more than two piercings.
* I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
* I have freckles


Family/home life

* I've sworn at my parents.
* I've run away from home.
* I've been kicked out of the house.
* My biological parents are together.
* I have a sibling less than one year old.
* I want to have kids someday.
* I have children.
* I've lost a child.


Embarrassment

* I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
* Disney movies still make me cry.
* I've snorted while laughing.
* I've laughed so hard I've cried.
* I've glued my hand to something.
* I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
* I've had my trousers rip in public.


Health

* I've had stitches.
* I've broken a bone.
* I've had my tonsils removed.
* I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
* I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
* I've had serious surgery.
* I've had chicken pox.

Traveling

* I've driven over 200 miles (320km) in one day.
* I've been on a plane.
* I've been to North America.
* I've been to Niagara Falls.
* I've been to Japan.
* I've been to Europe.
* I've been to Africa.

Experiences

* I've been lost in my city.
* I've seen a shooting star.
* I've wished on a shooting star.
* I've seen a meteor shower.
* I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
* I've pushed all the buttons in a lift.
* I've been to a casino.
* I've been skydiving.
* I've gone skinny dipping.
* I've played spin the bottle.
* I've crashed a car/been in a car crash
* I've been skiing.
* I've been in a play.
* I've met someone in person from the internet.
* I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
* I've seen the northern lights.
* I've sat on a roof top at night.
* I've played chicken.
* I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
* I've eaten sushi.
* I've been snowboarding.


Relationships

* I'm single.
* I'm in a relationship.
* I'm available.
* I'm engaged.
* I'm married.
* I've gone on a blind date.
* I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
* I have a fear of abandonment.
* I've been divorced.
* I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
* I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
* I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
* I've kept something from a past relationship.


Sexuality

* I've had a crush on someone of the same gender.
* I've kissed a member of the same gender.
* I've had sex with someone of the opposite gender.
* I've had sex with someone of the same gender.
* I've had sex with more than one person at the same time.
* I am a cuddler.
* I've been kissed in the rain.
* I've had sex outdoors.
* I've hugged a stranger.
* I have kissed a stranger.
* I have had sex with a stranger.


Honesty/crime

* I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
* I have lied to my parents about where I am.
* I am keeping a secret from the world.
* I've cheated while playing a video game.
* I've cheated on a test.
* I've driven through a red light.
* I've been suspended from school.
* I've witnessed a crime.
* I've shoplifted.


Drugs/alcohol

* I've consumed alcohol.
* I have/do smoked cigarettes.
* I have/do smoked pot.
* I regularly drink.
* I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
* I take cough medication when I'm not sick.
* I've done hard drugs.
* I've been addicted to an illegal substance.
* I can't swallow pills.
* I can swallow about five pills at a time no problem.


Random

* I can sing well.
* I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
* I open up to others too easily.
* I watch the news.
* I don't kill bugs.
* I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme.
* I swear regularly.
* I sing in the shower.
* I am a morning person.
* I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
* I'm a snob about grammar.
* I am a sports fanatic.
* I play with my hair.
* I have/had "x"s in my screen name.
* I love being neat.
* I love spam.
* I've copied more than 30 cds in a day.
* I bake well.
* My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
* I don't know how to shoot a gun.
* I am in love with love.
* I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
* I laugh at my own jokes.
* I eat fast food weekly.
* I believe in ghosts.
* I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
* I am really ticklish.
* I love white chocolate.
* I bite my nails.
* I play video games.
* I'm good at remembering faces.
* I'm good at remembering names.
* I'm good at remembering dates.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life..

shut up shut up. i do not care anymore if you just don't eat. i can't take your shit.
you got worse, so me and g. took you to the counsellor. you recovered a bit and started eating almost normally. we were so fucking happy, you have no idea.
you got worse and worse. you became more of a fucking alcoholic druggie. no, shrooms are not a fucking good idea. you are FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
you went to rehab for a month. we all missed you like crazy, but were glad you were finally getting the help you needed.
you came back. we rejoiced. one of the first things you said to me was, 'yeah there was this one time in rehab where i just didn't eat for three days. so they were like, well you have to eat something.' and you said it like you expected me to be impressed. i wasn't. i was sad and angry.
you're getting worse.  i used to care. i used to be worried shitless that you would fucking die from your self-destruction, because that's what friends do. THEY CARE.
and i still worry about you every fucking time i see you, which is every day. but what can i do?
in case you didn't notice, you're not the only person you know with an eating disorder. G. used to be bulimic, thank god she stopped purging. she still overeats and has terrible self image. and her liver is completely fucked up from 2 or 3 years ago when she starved herself so much. but she's getting better. H. i am fairly sure was anorexic, just based on what she has told us about her previous eating habits. she's still too damn thin, but she at least eats. K. is the only one who is normal about food. and i'm just ednos, just with my own terrible self-esteem and unhealthy body issues.
your superiority about your body is too fucking much. we are all still worried. but you're turning the worry into anger and frustration. great going there.
i don't know what to do anymore, and talking to you doesn't help. get your skinny ass back in rehab, and stay there for longer. get help, get better, do whatever the fuck it takes. because i don't want to fucking lose you, okay?

I can't have friends because it gets too complicated and they will just hate me anyway. i trust nobody. Last night i took a whole melatonin tablet instead of usual 1/2. still woke up a few times but barely awake. It was good. don't want to wake up again.

panic and panic and i haven't done the holiday homework, it's due the day after school starts which is in 5 days. ate fucking croissant today stupid stupid. i am a terrible person, i never reply to anything or anybody even those i care about because i'm too fucking scared. fuck it all.
why do i keep trying when nobody gives a fuck, especially not me?

It's 27 degrees C (about 80 F) and i think my room must be about 18 (64 F) or something because i am fucking cold.
I can't take school tomorrow. It's all too much, too fast. Plus i have to do a news report oral thing, in afrikaans (the bastard son of dutch). Thanks, fucking south africa. And the air feels like chocolate, not feel as in touch but the mental associations or something.
Too fucking much.
When it hits 40 degrees C (104 F), we're allowed to leave school and go home. Niice. I hope that happens soon.

I find it difficult to feel anything anymore.
There isn't much to look forward to.
I'm still going to need to ask my parents for at least R15 000 (about $1800) when I leave school.
Which means I can't really ask them for money to get TO America, let alone to live there or anything.
Although they do have some money saved up for my gap year. Which I wanted to use to travel a bit before I go to university. And I really, really want to do that. Maybe I'll just go work somewhere for 10 months, and travel for 2.
Fuck. Fuck.
I have to get at least one job next year (it's only legal to be employed at age 16 in my country). But that will still be something simple and low-paying.
I should be able to save at least another R3000 ($360). Should help a bit.
But...there are these two school trips i'm going on next year, that my mom has already started paying for. Total cost R5000 ($600).
Jesus. I take up a fucking lot of money. And I don't even buy that much stuff! I'm like my father in that way..don't buy much, but the stuff I do want is damn expensive, and I don't buy much of it.
Cost to just fly to the usa (i have no idea where exactly i want to go yet): at least R12000 (about $1440), seeing that this will be in 3 years time and prices will rise.
Cost of double mastectomy (whichever breast removal surgery): at least R25000, of which i can probably pay R10000. So R15000.
Cost of university fees? : FUCKING EXPENSIVE. My parents will only have enough money to get me one degree... I kind of want more than one. Cost: at least R115 000. For one degree. And that's now. And that's something i'm interested that is not hectically expensive. And that is only ONE FUCKING DEGREE.
Cost of school trips (for next year only, not counting other school stuff that's going to happen): R5000.
Total SO FAR: R147 000. That doesn't even cover living costs.
Jesus fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fuck going to a (fantastic) fucking expensive private school. All these things are just so fucking expensive!
Up until about age 25, I will cost my parents at least R500 000. That's half a million rand. Jesus fucking christ. That doesn't cover everything. That's just a rough estimate.
I am going to have to work my fucking ass off. So much. Starting from the fucking day I am legal to.

I feel so guilty now. I can't ask them for anything else. But the thing is, I know that half the time they will give me what I want. Even when they shouldn't. Oh. My. God.

School tomorrow. Sort of looking forward to it coz it means i won't go mad alone, but also not looking forward to it. I actually can't wait til exams. I prefer exam time to normal school.
I'm supposed to be doing some 'holiday homework', but i really don't care.
Ugh.

I am on holiday. I have not seen anyone for about a week.
I feel very empty. i should probably go do my homework. holiday homework.
i made an octopus as a present for someone. i think i'll make a mini one. to distract myself.
i keep having confusing dreams
they get more and more vivid
can't tell what's really
real
in my dream, that nerd kept licking my face
and i screamed at the pretentious fucker
and she just laughed
i woke up and realised i still hate her, very much
i am hungry but will not eat
i lost weight off my stomach and
my fucking breasts grew
I HATE THEM.
i know that i can't really pass for a boy
but i want to, for her
i want her, but i don't at all
i feel i am a failure.

i will go do something in photoshop to make myself happy.

Wtf.

I've been dying to go to the gym, but then i got heavy asthma this weekend. So i can't go out, let alone go to gym.
Then i got today, only got to do like 15 minutes cycling.
Come home. Sitting on chair. Drinking my eternal water and/or green tea.
Then i start feeling like i'm fucking dissolving into the chair, like a puddle of goo, sliding off the side.
This is fucking scary.
What the hell is happening?

Forgot I had an lj.
Stupid me.
One of those days where i do not like myself very much.
Where i realise that going to the gym once, maybe twice a week, and drinking a LOT of green tea is not enough.
I weigh about 55 kilograms (122 pounds, i think).
I'm fucking short (158 cm, 5'2")
I'm growing at a rate of about 1cm every 1.5 years.
I'm gaining weight at a rate of about 5-10 kilograms or some other mad thing a YEAR.
At this rate i will be obese by the time i finish school.
I'm not overweight now, and everyone keeps telling me 'oh you're not fat, LOL'.
Except they never see me in anything tight. Ever.
Maybe if i lose 5 kilos (11 pounds), i will look less like a girl.
I like breasts, but i don't really like having them.